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But wasn’t my self-harm a natural reaction to that situation? I thought back to my first hospitalization, where my roommate had been locked up due to saying she wanted to drive off a cliff after walking in on her husband kissing the babysitter.Don’t most people at least to do something drastic after being betrayed or abandoned by a loved one? The work of scholars, researchers, and survivors who ask these and other questions to challenge the validity of “personality disorders” in general no doubt serves an essential purpose in the field of critical psychiatry.
Wasn’t my fear of abandonment, to some extent, universal? Who can’t relate to the experience of wanting so desperately to be loved by another person, and being willing to do almost anything to receive that love, to feel deserving of that love?
The line between our universal fear of abandonment and a “pathological” fear of abandonment — Borderline Personality Disorder— felt all too subjective to me.
Of course, this embarrassed my parents and those around me.
I was sent to therapist after therapist and even put on medication to try to get my emotions under control. So, on top of being weird and awkward, I was also emotionally unstable and a walking embarrassment to my family. When I started dating my first serious boyfriend in college, that shame and embarrassment surged.
I have spent a lot of time trying to convince myself and others that I do not have Borderline Personality Disorder.
It’s true that my fear of abandonment has been a driving force throughout my life.
When that first serious boyfriend left me, in part due his embarrassment of my meltdowns, I felt such intense self-hatred that I sliced my arm up and down with a razor.
Again came the pathologization of my reaction, the diagnosing of Borderline Personality Disorder.
Sometimes, my own perfectionism, lack of sleep, and terror of not being good enough got the best of me.Tags: Adult Dating, affair dating, sex dating